The Burnt Pizza Chronicles: The Day the Fire Alarm Won
Hello again!
I thought I could grace everyone once more with a horrible disaster that happened in my kitchen. Possibly more than once.
Sh-t happens, okay? There is no perfect way to cook. Even professionals make mistakes in the kitchen! I feel like humanizing those mistakes and laughing them off makes cooking way more approachable. There is nothing to be scared of, so have a laugh with me.
I had the most brilliant idea one day that I was going to make pizzas. Dough, sauce, garlic butter. ALL from scratch. I figured if I could make bread, I could absolutely make pizza dough. And THAT I DID. Yeast, sugar, flour, water. Soooo much better than store-bought.
I spent hours prepping for this pizza, and my stomach was starting to grumble. I was hungry and ready to eat my delicious creation while sitting on my couch watching TV. Now, I had a pizza stone, so I was sure I could manage this.
I thought wrong.
I preheated my oven as high as it would go. Preheated the pizza stone. Everything was going swimmingly.
Until it wasn’t.
I made that beautiful pizza like it was going to be an exhibit in the Louvre. I got it into the oven and onto the pizza stone. Not like a champ, but alas, I did it. I didn’t set a timer, because why would I, and stood in the kitchen waiting for my beautiful pizza.
Seconds dragged on like minutes. Minutes turned into hours (not really). Then I started to hear a sizzle. I paid it no mind and walked away from the kitchen for a few minutes.
Big mistake.
I came back, opened the oven, and was greeted with a HUGE puff of smoke. My pizza? The bottom was totally cooked. The cheese was sliding off. The whole thing looked like a watery mess.
I shut the oven door and ran to open every window I had, but alas… the fire alarm won that day. It went absolutely feral, like I had just set my house on fire.
After dealing with that chaos, I decided against cooking entirely and accepted that chips and salsa would be good enough for me.
Now… what went wrong?
What Went Wrong
A few things. A deeply unfortunate combination of confidence, hunger, and moisture.
First, the oven was too hot. Like “am I running a pizzeria or a crematorium” hot. I cranked it to the max, and while that sounds right in theory, my home oven and pizza stone took it as a personal challenge.
Second, no timer. This one is on me. I trusted vibes over science, and once again, vibes failed me. Much like the cheese sauce in Volume 1.
Third, too much water. Everywhere. The sauce was a little too loose. The toppings were carrying way more moisture than they had any right to. Tomatoes, veggies, cheese… all conspiring against me. Instead of baking, my pizza gently steamed itself into a soggy situation.
Fourth, walking away. I heard a sizzle and chose denial. That was my cue to intervene, and I said, “It’s probably fine.” It was not fine.
And finally, the pizza stone. Yes, it helps. No, it does not forgive. A screaming-hot stone plus wet dough equals a bottom that goes from raw to burnt while the top looks confused and underdressed.
In short: I overestimated myself, underestimated water, and learned nothing.
What I’d Do Differently Next Time
(Because allegedly we’re growing)
- Lower the oven temp. Still hot. Just… not apocalyptic.
- Set a timer. Even a bad timer is better than no timer.
- Thicken the sauce. Less water, more intention.
- Dry the toppings. Pat them down like they owe me money.
- Stay in the kitchen. If it sizzles, we investigate. Immediately.
- Trust less. Watch more. This applies to cooking and life.
Will I remember all of this next time?
Unclear.
The Call Back (Because Patterns Are a Theme)
If this feels familiar, it should.
Just like the cheese sauce incident, I thought I had control. I ignored the signs. And once again, water and heat teamed up to humble me.
The cheese sauce broke.
The pizza drowned.
The fire alarm screamed.
Different disaster. Same main character.
Kitchen Disasters Will Keep Happening
If you’re reading this and thinking, “That would never happen to me,”
it will.
Welcome to Kitchen Disasters, where confidence is high, lessons are optional, and dinner sometimes ends in chips and salsa.
Stay tuned for Volume 3.
I will absolutely believe I’ve learned something.
Spoiler: I haven’t. 🍕🔥
